3 Tips To Improve Conversation With Teens

Just kidding… maybe? :)

A Constantly Changing Game

The thing about parenting is that just when you feel like you’ve figured it out, everything changes.

The good news is that this is normal.

The bad news is, it drives us to drink.

Just kidding, mostly.

Parenting is a constantly changing landscape. You have to stay on your toes and be ready to shift your methods and delivery constantly.

Oh, and remember to NEVER take anything personally. That will help a lot.

But there is a brain-based reason why parenting feels like such a roller coaster, and a German-American psychologist named Erik Erikson and his theory of psychosocial development explains a lot.

The 8 Stages of Development

Erik Erikson was a developmental psychologist known mostly for his theories on the psychosocial development of humans. His theory says there are 8 distinct stages of development that humans go through as they move toward maturity and successful independence.

The stages, he claimed, were universal and sequential. We must successfully pass through each stage of development before we can move to the next.

The earliest stages involve developing our ability to trust the world around us. Can we trust that the world we inhabit, and the people who are around us, can be trusted to care for our most basic needs? Do we have the skills necessary to take care of ourselves and communicate with those around us with the understanding that we will be heard? Young kids are busy developing courage and initiative and figuring out what constitutes good choices given their environment and the values of the people within it.

By the time the teenage years roll around, ideally, kids have a pretty solid sense of their own capabilities. They begin to look outward to deepen their understanding of themselves. In the pre-teen years when interacting with and learning from others the most driving question is usually ‘How are we alike?’. Once kids begin the process of puberty, the question becomes ‘How are we different?’.

Kids in this age group are heading deep into the process of self-individuation - establishing who they are and what matters to them. This can be a tricky time for parents. Peers take on a central role and to many parents, it can feel like their kid has suddenly turned into a stranger, a stranger who is no longer interested in what they have to say.

3 Helpful Tips for Talking with Teens

Even though they make it difficult - this is a crucial time for keeping lines of communication open with your child. If you can be the kind of person they can talk to about the not-so-important stuff, you increase your chances that they will come to you with the stuff that really matters when the stakes are high.

Here are three things to remember that can help keep communication flowing and be sure your kid knows that you get them and are still on their side.

1.) Try no eye contact.

Just like an animal in the zoo, your teen responds poorly to confrontation. There’s nothing that wipes a teen brain completely clean faster than a parent blinking owlishly at them after dropping a loaded question.

Studies have shown that direct eye contact activates different parts of the brain related to approach and avoidance. Specifically, we can make it easier for our kids to engage with us if we give them space to not have to look at us as they think. Car drives are especially good times to initiate conversation and see where you end up - physically & conversationally :)

2.) Get Physical

Physical activity is a great way to grease the wheels of communication. Bonus points if you get bilateral body motion in there. Taking a walk, playing tennis, throwing a frisbee, tossing a ball… even if the activity is just used as a ‘warm-up’ you’ll likely see better conversation outcomes afterward as you rehydrate and recalibrate your heart rates.

There is an added bonus to sharing physical rituals - that of deepened connection. Folks who sweat together, stay together. I’m pretty sure that’s how the saying goes. And in all of my experience with kids, I have yet to find one who won’t take me up on the offer to throw something at me and potentially make fun of my ability to throw it back. (As a side note, I’m a great catcher… throwing is a work in progress.)

3.) Don’t Fear the Silence

Teachers who use the power of ‘wait time’ effectively know its power. Kids’ brains do not process as quickly as adults’ brains do. Their frontal lobes aren’t fully developed until the age of 25! Add to that our increasingly fast-paced world in which the input/response cycle is on hyperdrive, and you have a recipe for kids who freeze up when the questions start flying.

Wait time simply refers to lengthening the amount of time you wait after asking a question, before asking again or elaborating on your (no doubt) extremely useful advice.

Know this, sufficient wait time is WAY longer than your adult brain wants it to be. I suggest asking your question and then singing a song in your head. Maybe, count to 100? Whatever you need to do to stay silent as they process, do that. In fact, I would even suggest asking the question and then perhaps walking away for a bit.

The more important the question, the more time you want to give your kid to think. And, incidentally, there’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘Hey, your thoughts about this are really important to me and I get that you might need to think about it awhile. I’ll come back and ask it again at some point because I really want to hear your answer.”

Don’t think of it as a threat. Think of it as a promise :)

Connection is Key

My mom always told me that there is a reason that teens get stinky and grumpy. If they stayed sweet-smelling and cute forever, you’d never want them to leave.

And keep in mind - that someday they will leave! This is the goal, right?

And when they leave, we as parents hope that we’ve done everything we can to teach them the most important lessons about how to keep themselves happy, safe and connected to others.

All of that begins with communication. Not only the communication that they share with us, their parents, but how they approach communication in general. How they communicate their needs and boundaries and wishes and hopes.

One of the most important indicators of success in life is how connected we are to others, and I know that we can all agree that communication takes practice, patience and the willingness to persevere in the face of challenging situations (cough, teenagers, cough).

So, go and get your talk on.

Your kids will thank you. (Some day?)