4 Steps to Successfully Engage with Neurodiversity
Different Has Always Been NORMAL
First, let’s dispel the myth that neurodiversity (the radical idea that BRAINS ARE DIFFERENT) is something new.
You don’t even have to click your heels three times to find it. Within your own family you can no doubt find drastic differences in learning, mood, sociability, attention, and all other forms of mental function.
It’s no secret that our entire socialization process has been based on a narrow definition of what is acceptable. There are many different systems that play a part in attempting to define what is ‘normal’ and designed to ‘train’ us to fit within its narrow definition. Different has felt dangerous, and understandably so when we look back through history (and not so distant history) on how those perceived as different have been treated...
But, on some level we all understand that the whole concept of ‘normal’ is a social construct we have concocted to erect false barriers between us and the unknown. ‘Normal’ is a word that is used as a weapon more often than not and keeps all of us smaller as long as we are in its pursuit.
(Okay, I’m warmed up now and standing solidly on my soapbox. No wobbling here. :)
Neurodiversity For $100, Alex
Neurodiversity is a term which takes into account the complexity of our individual neurological landscapes and normalizes certain conditions which in the past have been pathologized (autism, ADD, ADHD, dysgraphia, etc). Like pretty much everything, we all exist on a continuum of neurological diversity and will slide up and down that continuum for the entirety of our lives.
There are many different social, educational, developmental, environmental and systemic issues that can affect the neurodiversity of the human condition. In fact, neurodiverse folks have always been with us AND their capacity for thinking differently has led to some truly inspirational advancements throughout time. Google Temple Grandin, or Tom Wiggins or Satoshi Tajiri for a start.
It could easily be argued that diversity is and always has been an evolutionary advantage that has driven our continued development as a species. We have always benefited from those who think & develop differently.
Change Starts With You
We’ve come a long way towards valuing diversity, but neurodiverse students can still feel social and systemic stings from time to time, especially within an education system that has not risen to the challenge of radical acceptance and inclusion as a whole.
The biggest change needed in today’s learning communities is a shift from curriculum/teacher centered learning experiences, to student interest driven learning communities where all contributions are valued and supported and the real question isn’t ‘what did you learn?’ but rather ‘how did you learn it?’. (But that’s an article for another day…)
In the meantime, as with all systemic change, it can only begin with you. Developing a deeper understanding of the diversity of brains and investing time in building your relational response systems will create change, even if in your own small sphere. Like a pebble rippling a pond, changes we make affect the collective. How lovely that we get to be the change we wish to see in the world.
You Have The Power: 4 key skills to Engage with Neurodiversity (or any diversity, really…)
Notice & Name
Dealing with people who are DIFFERENT is HARD. Think about how you feel when someone is taking too long. Have you felt a sense of urgency rising? Or the last time you were with someone who was being too loud. Did you feel a sense of shame or alarm? One experience humans seem to always be struggling with is how to stay in relationship with someone who believes something we cannot support or know is false.
This is all part of what it means to be human and live in diverse communities.
The key skill when we first notice our righteous indignation kicking in, our desire to RIGHT a WRONG or get someone to conform to make us more comfortable… that is the moment to NOTICE & NAME.
It’s really as simple as it sounds. My heart is beating harder, my throat feels tight, my shoulders are closer to my ears, my stomach hurts… I am feeling angry, defensive, impatient, afraid, ashamed, attacked, silenced…. WHATEVER YOU FEEL HERE IS NORMAL. No bad feelings :)
There is great power in naming the feeling because when we name it, we engage with our thinking brains. We move away from brain stem thinking (the part of our brains that developed in utero & infancy when our primary question was ‘AM I SAFE?’) and begin to make our way to frontal lobe thinking where our essential question is, ‘WHAT CAN I LEARN?’.
Ground
Now that you’ve noticed and named the feelings and sensations and engaged your thinking brain in the proceedings, then it’s time to ground your awareness in the present moment so that you are CONSCIOUSLY RESPONDING rather than UNCONSCIOUSLY REACTING.
Read those two again, there is a big difference between them.
Response implies forethought. When we respond, we are choosing how to engage.
Reaction is habitual and often thoughtless. It bypasses our thinking brains and allows our feelings to run the show. Feelings are tricky little personal things. Immensely important for us to set appropriate boundaries, but not so great for helping us see all sides of the story.
So, what is grounding? It’s the simple act of utilizing your senses to come into the present moment. Different people will trend toward different grounding techniques, but here are a few ideas to get you started:
Tune your awareness to the sounds around you
Touch something nearby and notice the texture, how it feels on your skin
Inhale deeply and notice the sensation of your belly rising and falling
This is not an exhaustive list, but the idea is to really use your body’s information and orientation in the present moment to allow you to see that you are safe, that there is no threat, and that you can proceed to using your higher level thinking skills to proceed. Like all new habits, it may take some practice to override your instinctive reactions, but grounding is a practical way to break the cycle of thoughtless words or actions.
Relate
Once we’ve established that our thinking brains are in control, it’s time to use our strategies. One powerful way to stay present with someone who is different than us is to put some effort into finding commonality. There will always be something we have in common with another. Always.
Both parents? Both from the west coast? Both introverts who must ‘people’ from time to time? Did you both grow up on a farm? Were you both born in December (and do you feel the same way about December birthdays??)?
It’s not the quantity of things that you can relate to, it’s the quality. Switching your focus to find common ground is a well-documented way to increase connection with someone. In 1954, American Psychologist Gordon Allport wrote a paper outlining his ‘Intergroup Contact Theory’. Essentially, the hypothesis was that bringing very different people together under the right conditions led to increased acceptance and interaction and reduced stereotyping discrimination. Essentially, connecting with others is a POWERFUL way to confront and shift our own interpersonal biases.
Learn
Once you’ve connected with someone different by relating to how you are similar, and you have taken the time to tend to your own internal reactions and used the tool of grounding to manage your response, then it is time to engage thoughtfully and intentionally.
What can you learn from this experience? How can you shift your perspective or behavior to elicit a better outcome for everyone? Can you appreciate the benefit of a new learning experience in that moment and feel some gratitude for the opportunity for continued growth?
One of my favorite quotes is by Anthony De Mello (1931-1987), an Indian-born American Theologian and Author who said,
“To a disciple who was forever complaining about others the Master said, “If it is peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people. It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole of the earth.”
When you ask yourself questions like ‘what can I do to improve the outcome?’, ‘How can I embody the acceptance I seek?’, ‘What can I learn?’, ‘How can I connect?’, ‘What is possible here?’, you are engaging with your capacity for connection and thereby increasing your chances of success.
Really, in the end, no matter the situation, the question is always the same….