The Power of Extrinsic Motivation
Bribery: A Powerful Parenting Tool
I’ve yet to meet a parent who doesn’t feel nervous about the concept of bribery when it comes to motivating their children.
Usually, they cite some version of, ‘they should do it (whatever ‘it’ is) because they know it’s the right thing to do, not because they are going to get a reward’…
And, as a parent, I get that.
I do.
We want to raise children who have integrity, responsibility and the capacity to respond appropriately to the needs of others while respecting their own. These traits are all powerful indicators of success, and it is only natural that we have strong feelings (and fears) about how to best go about instilling them in our children.
But, from a brain perspective, extrinsic motivation (AKA bribery) is a powerful motivator when it comes to building new neural pathways.
Remember, children are literally wiring their brains throughout childhood. I’ve written about executive functioning skills and how those skills are developed and shaped throughout childhood and adolescence in another blog post you can find here, so I won’t go too deeply into that concept again in this post, but for the purposes of our discussion here, this is what you need to know: positive experiences help develop strong neural connections and strong neural connections are the foundation of learning and growth.
Learning and growth are essential for healthy development. We must all have positive experiences with learning and with growth in order to maintain the willingness and tenacity to keep working toward our goals. And this is why extrinsic motivation is such a powerful parenting tool.
The Science of Learning
Each time we learn something new, and by ‘learn’ I mean really learn, not just memorize something for a test (but that’s a post for another day…), we have just connected two or more brain cells and created an information highway in our brain. I think we can all agree that highways are better avenues of travel than, say, hacking our way through the woods, trying to forge a path that doesn’t yet exist.
Think of the last time you needed to build a new habit into your routine. You probably had to motivate yourself somehow to take that first new action, and to continue taking action until the habit was formed.
All the habit experts agree that the best way to create change is to link your desired habit to both a trigger and a reward. Essentially, the trigger is an already established habit that functions as a physical reminder of the new action you want to incorporate. And the reward is, you guessed it, essentially bribery.
We go to work each day for a paycheck. We keep our promises to people even when it’s difficult because we want to earn their trust. We move our bodies because we want strong, flexible muscles and joints and the stamina to keep going.
Chicken or Egg?
Here’s the big takeaway: Extrinsic motivation is NECESSARY to develop intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivation is the internal push we get to do something because we will feel good when we do it. It seems to be what most people assume is the more righteous form of motivation.
I think it’s more nuanced than that.
Intrinsic motivation is something that we develop over time.
We go to our jobs initially to get our paycheck. We keep our promises because then we have companionship. We exercise because it helps us stay mobile and healthy.
But, usually, after time, we notice other, deeper, more difficult to quantify benefits.
We may realize that when we do our job well, people get the help they need, or systems function more effectively, or maybe even that we make the world a better place in our unique way.
When we keep our promises we feel a sense of pride and accomplishment because it isn’t always easy, but it is usually right.
When we make a commitment to our health, we feel more confident and capable in our abilities and we have the stamina and the energy to tackle life’s challenges more effectively.
The above are all examples of intrinsic motivation, and that is something very worthy of striving for. But I say to you now, and ask you to consider, the idea that intrinsic motivation isn’t something that we can easily define or produce on demand. We develop an awareness of it and gratitude for it through time and repetition, through reflection and experience. When we use extrinsic motivators to build the habits that support our internal happiness and peace, we are taking a valuable short cut that can save us time, energy and yes, even pain, in the long run.
So, how do you ‘bribe’ your kids effectively?
Now that I’ve hopefully given you some food for thought about this and you’re willing to consider how you might incorporate an extrinsic motivation to support you as you help your child build successful independence, let’s talk specifics.
First, it’s important we differentiate between things your kids CAN control and things that they CAN’T.
You can use extrinsic motivation to build their capacity to take specific ACTION.
You cannot use extrinsic motivation to build their capacity to PERFORM.
That means you can tie rewards to specific actions that you want your child to build habits around. But, you cannot tie extrinsic rewards to their grades or their ability to get on a team or get a part in a play, etc. Do you get the idea?
You can reward them for building their ability to keep their room clean, put away their laundry, put their shoes in one spot, remember to bring home their homework, remember to do their homework, remember to turn in their homework, etc. (As you are no doubt aware, there are infinite variations on this theme…)
These are all appropriate and CONCRETE types of behaviors or actions to reward. And we’ll get to some great ways to do that in just a moment.
But, I need to be clear that in the case of motivating kids to get a certain grade, or make the team or achieve some sort of honor or group acceptance, well…. there are too many factors at play, too much subjectivity, in these types of situations. There are too many things that your child can’t control and to tie a reward to something like that sets your child up for a major blow to their confidence if they don’t achieve. (Spoiler alert: You should try to avoid damaging their confidence AT ALL COSTS. This, also, is a post for another day…)
(Please reach out and schedule a parent coaching session if you’d like to dig deeper into this idea. Parenting is a constantly changing game and the stakes are high - sometimes you just need to hear your thoughts out loud and have a safe place to bounce your ideas around and get feedback on how to best solve your particular challenges!)
Without further ado, THE SPECIFICS…
Let’s keep this easy.
Follow these three steps to create a plan to tackle frustrating behaviors using the power of bribery (ahem, extrinsic motivation):
Step 1: Clearly identify the problem.
Your kid’s room is an absolute disaster zone. It is to the point you are concerned about vermin.
OR
The notifications on your phone from your child’s missing assignments are literally threatening your sanity.
OR
Your teen is procrastinating on filling out a form, making an appointment, doing a thing that they really need to do.
(I couldn’t possibly generate a comprehensive list here, kids are notoriously creative and industrious when it comes to being pains in the you-know-what.)
Once you have identified the problem, it’s time to move to Step 2.
Step 2: Write it down.
Clearly articulate the goal and write it down. Make it SIMPLE & MANAGEABLE.
Some examples might be:
Turn in all assignments this week
Keep your bedroom (and closet!) floor free of clothes all week
Fill out ‘x’ form by ‘date’, do ‘x’ thing by
Don’t feel like you can only have one goal. Use your judgment (and your need to not go insane) to choose how many goals/habits you want them to work on at any time.
Pro-tip: Get a single subject notebook and number all the pages. Pick a time that works for you each day to write down the things you want them to accomplish that day and then give them the notebook. Notebook rules: No pages can be ripped out of the notebook so you can not only keep a written record but also document success! (Hence, why you numbered them…)
Step 3: Negotiate
This is the fun part.
Depending on your kid, you might have to talk them into the whole bribery thing. Don’t get me wrong, all kids are susceptible to bribery, but some have picked up on the misguided cultural fear of it and will need a bit of convincing that you aren’t trying to catch them in a GOTCHA!
After you get them on board, the next objective is for the two of you to agree on an appropriate reward for the action. (Write down the reward in the notebook too BTW - AND the date by which you want it done!)
Now, know this. Your kid is most likely going to try to get the better end of the proverbial stick here.
But, your job is to drive a hard bargain. Firstly, because it will sharpen their negotiation skills - extremely important skills, I think we can all agree - but secondly, because it will soothe any residual ick you feel about ‘bribery’ if you make sure they don’t get the greatest of deals.
Trust me on this.
Larry David says “A good compromise leaves both parties unsatisfied.”
Use this as your guiding light.
Do a Rocky shuffle on your way in.
Scream into a paper bag to pump yourself up.
Whatever it takes.
Your sanity is at stake, afterall.
Oh and one last thing…
You greatly increase your chances of success if you can keep three principles in mind:
Clarity (keep your requests simple and actionable)
Accountability (use the dang notebook - seriously, it’s key)
Reliability (this is where your own habit formation comes into play… how can you expect your offspring to have good habits if you can’t stick to a simple system to help them build responsibility?? No shame, but, truly, try your best and keep trying till you get it.